Giving it to God

Today I was watching Ruby, the show about a 700+ lb women losing weight naturally through diet and exercise. She has lost 450 pounds and has been hovering over the same weight for about a year now. During this weeks episode, she went to a therapist in an attempt to discover hidden memories about her childhood that may contribute to her size. Her therapist said she was a food addict and should go through the 12 step program. Ruby disagreed, and her therapist said she was in denial. This made me think, am I a food addict? I remember going to the doctor a few years ago (quite a few pounds lighter) and asking for her diet pills. She recommended I join overeaters anoymous. I was outraged...well mostly hurt. Watching that episode, I thought maybe her statement had some validity. I went on their website to see if I could "diagnose" myself. Under "Am I a Food Addict," their were several questions to which I shamefully answered yes to. Well I am not about to go to any meetings and recite the 12 steps and stand up to proclaim, "My name is Brittni and I'm a food addict." I did, however, take note to all references the 12 steps gave to God; realizing that giving up addiction, changing, is not something that you do on your own.

I am giving this fight to God. I will think positively and will give all negative thoughts to God. I know that after years of trying, of going up and down with my weight, I am not good at creating positive change on my own. Through prayer, meditation and an honest confrontation/conversation with my innerself, I will become the person I know I can be.

What Now?

I've been trying to get motivated for several months now to no avail. I'm bigger than I was when I started this blog, bigger than I've ever been. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize my body as mine. I've lost site of my goals and to be honest I'm not sure why. The reasons for me where so authentic; I wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. Initially, I made dramatic changes. I stopped using cleaning products with harmful chemicals; I stopped getting my hair relaxed; I switched to organic foods I purchased from Farmers Markets. What happened to all that momentum? Although I continued a relatively chemical free lifestyle, fatty foods gradually crept back in and the holidays really took a toll on any hint of a diet.

I am an expert at losing weight. I have done it several times, up to 25 pounds at least 3x in my 28 years. The problem, is each time, I can it back plus 5-10 extra to boot. I just found out that this what is means to be a yo-yo dieter.

So...what now? Stay fat? Not a chance. Its quite uncomfortable. I waddle rather than walk now. I am out of breathe from a just a few steps. When I sit, my stomach rest disgustingly on my lap. I can't take a picture that will disguise my double chin. My poor eating habits are apparent on my pimple laden face and dry, brittle coils. It is way past time to take charge of my health. I've checked out some books from the library (yes, I have a library card and I use it). I'm going to do some reading on some popular diets and decide what will be easiest for me to follow; what will allow life to happen; what will be most likely to help me both lose weight and keep it off!

So here I go again and this time, I plan to be much more diligent in tracking my progress, set-backs and frustrations. This blog will be literally, my rantings, and soon, I will be a former fat girl!